Families come in all sizes and combinations, from single-parent homes to large families to LGBTQ+ families. Every family has its own unique challenges. This is particularly true for blended families, or step families.
In a blended family, one or both parents have children from a prior relationship who are not their partner’s biological children. There are many dynamics at play here, from learning how to co-exist as a blended family to figuring out how to co-parent successfully with exes (who may be part of their own blended family). Having a well-drafted parenting plan in place can help your family navigate many of these challenges.
At Solutions Based Family Law, we represent clients across a spectrum of family law matters, including divorce, child custody, and child support. We work hard to develop strategies that protect parents while keeping their kids’ best interests at the forefront. Reach out to our law firm to schedule a confidential consultation with a Denver child custody attorney.
Understanding the Complex Dynamics of Blended Families
Any family structure can present challenging dynamics. Even in an intact nuclear family with two parents and two kids, there can be many different issues that arise and make life more complicated. Yet with blended families, there are some built-in challenges that arise from the nature of the family unit itself.
A blended family is created when one or both partners in a relationship have children from previous relationship(s). The new family can include biological parents, stepparents, stepkids, stepsiblings, half-siblings, and a whole network of extended family (such as step-grandparents). It typically also includes the kids’ other parent and their families.
There are a lot of great things about blended families. After a divorce or a breakup, a child can gain a much larger support network from their new stepfamily. They can also develop strong bonds with their new step-siblings. As kids navigate their new family lives, they can also learn important life skills like resilience, adaptability, compromise, and problem-solving.
Of course, blended families can have drawbacks. The simple reality is that in many situations, this is not a choice that kids are making for themselves. Typically, their parents are the ones deciding to move in with a new partner or get married. This can put kids into situations that are hard and that they may not want to navigate.
Many kids in blended families experience challenges, particularly at first. Children may experience:
- Divided loyalties, feeling torn between their new blended family and their other biological parent.
- Difficulties with different parenting styles, including clashing rules and methods of discipline
- Sibling rivalry and jealousy if they feel as though their new stepsiblings or half-siblings are taking their parents’ attention away from them.
- Loss of tradition, as things like holidays and vacations may change as a result of the new relationship (such as spending Christmas with a stepparent’s family instead of their usual plans).
Blending families can also be difficult for the adults. Even though you have made the active choice to be in a relationship, merging two families can be tough. For example, you may be unsure of how to parent your stepkids, especially if you and your new partner have different parenting styles.
The adults also have to manage the relationship between themselves and their co-parents. Depending on how the former relationship ended and how well you currently get along, this can be challenging. There are many situations where someone is not happy that their ex is in a new relationship or that their kids will be parented by someone else, creating a whole host of new problems.
Blending families can be difficult, but there are things that you can do to make the process as smooth as possible. This often starts with being incredibly thoughtful about when and how you introduce any new romantic partners. Putting your kids’ best interests first can help you make better decisions, such as waiting to introduce someone new until you are sure that it is serious.
If possible, you should also be open and honest with your co-parent about your new relationship. This doesn’t necessarily mean getting into all of the details of your love life. Instead, you should consider your ex when making major decisions that will affect your kids.
For example, you might give them a heads up that you are dating someone, that it is serious, and you’d like to introduce them to the kids. You could also sit down with them and your new partner before you move in together or get married to talk about how this will work between all of the adults.
Of course, this isn’t always realistic, especially if you have a contentious relationship with your ex. If you can mostly get along, including your ex in the big decisions that will impact the kids can be a helpful way to make the process as seamless as possible.
Navigating Parenting in Your Blended Family
Even in a happy marriage, it is entirely possible for two parents to have conflict over different parenting styles. With a blended family, that dynamic is often heightened because one of the adults in the relationship will be parenting kids who are not their biological children. They also have to navigate a relationship with your child’s ex.
In Colorado, it is possible to do a stepparent adoption if your stepchild no longer has a legal parent-child relationship with their biological parent. Otherwise, stepparents do not have specific legal rights when it comes to their stepkids. If you are interested in this option, our Denver adoption attorneys can advise you and represent you in the legal process.
If you do not formally adopt your stepkids, then you do not have legal rights when it comes to physical and legal custody. This means that you don’t have the legal right to make decisions about things like healthcare, education, and religion. This reality can be tough to deal with, particularly if you are an involved stepparent or one who takes on the bulk of the child-rearing responsibilities.
One of the keys to success when it comes to navigating parenting in a blended family is open communication. Have discussions with your partner about the role that you will each play in the kids’ lives. When possible, you can also include the kids’ other parent in these talks so that you are all on the same page.
Other tips for parenting in a blended family include:
- Talk with your partner about your parenting style, including how you handle discipline and consequences. Try to find common ground when it comes to how you parent your kids together. Even if you disagree with certain approaches, try to respect others’ parenting styles (as long as it is not harmful to the children).
- Discuss your roles as parent and stepparent with your partner. This can include things like who will impose consequences and how you will handle finances. These dynamics can be hard even in the best of situations, particularly when you’re blending a family with older kids or teens. Having a clear understanding of what each of your roles will be can help.
- Set clear rules and discuss expectations with your children. Conflict can often arise because kids are coming from households with different rules. Let the kids in your blended family know exactly what to expect when they are at your house (i.e., screen time limits, homework, etc).
- Talk to the co-parents about house rules and how you can potentially compromise. This can help to reduce problems as the kids transition between homes. For example, if you have a strict bedtime on school nights and the kids’ other parent has a later bedtime, you might meet in the middle so that they have a consistent bedtime regardless of where they are.
- Set guidelines for how you will respond to ex-partners. Being open about this aspect of co-parenting can reduce potential points of friction.
A blended family can bring a lot of challenges, but being thoughtful about how you approach it can often help. With clear, open communication and a focus on what is best for the kids, you can often avoid many of the conflicts that can arise. If you are in a situation where you want to modify child custody after blending your families, our Denver child custody lawyers can help you evaluate your options.
Contact the Experienced Family Law Attorneys at Solutions Based Family Law Today
Creating a functional blended family is both complex and rewarding. Both within your family and between your family and your ex’s family, the sailing may not always be smooth. By communicating openly, establishing clear expectations, and focusing on the well-being of the family as a whole, you can help to create a loving family for yourself and your kids.
Solutions Based Family Law knows that blending families is rarely easy. While we can’t help with things like how you handle school pickups or house rules, we can help you create a parenting plan with your ex that clearly establishes each parent’s rights and responsibilities. We can also help with custody modifications should your situation change. To learn more or to talk to a Denver divorce lawyer, give us a call at (866) 522-7959 or fill out our online contact form.